How foolish could I be

How foolish could I be

I closed the door behind me

And found myself facing a wall

A wall of concrete that is not breaking

Not breaking through for me to see

I turn around and the door is gone

My heart sinks in sorrow and regret

I miss the beautiful trees

I miss the erupting volcano

Knocking on the cold, hard, concrete wall

I am trapped

I hit the wall hard with my fists

I plead it to let me see the other side

Bits crumble in my hand

Broken bits, blood on my hands

Tears on my cheeks

The wall is unmoving

I miss the beautiful trees

The moving beautiful trees

It is the only way I know how

And I wish it wasn't

How foolish could I be

Waking up...

Waking up is a nightmare which repeats over and over again. My right hand clambers on the wall next to my bed and my finger nails dig into it to drag myself up unsucessfully. Trying to reach the phone to ask for help. Reaching the phone and dialed a number, but could not speak. Reaching the phone, but cannot dial a number. Not reaching the phone. Reaching the phone and spoke to someone but realised I still haven't after all. Getting up to draw the curtains back to let the light in, but to realise I haven't moved an inch from where I was. Walking out into the corridor towards the toilet and bathroom, and being rewound back into bed. Screaming for help but with no voice, each time I realise the cycles are repeating. Asking God to please help me just get up, get up, get up. Each time I ask, I managed to drag myself up and out into another environment, but seconds later realise I am still there, I haven't moved and I cry asking for help once more. I am playing the piano or speaking to my housemate asking his permission to play on it telling him how wonderfully he plays, then I am pulled all the way back into bed again. I pry my eyes open with both hands, and thank god that they are open, only they are not and my hands are lying heavily by my side unable to move. I try to open my mouth to ask for help, but no voice came. There I lay helpless and hopeless, as if a dead body yet undiscovered...the house phone rings. I shot up and ran down the stairs to the phone, the ringing ends. I walk slowly up the stairs wondering if I will realise again that I haven't moved after all. I have. God has answered my prayers. I am up...

Fall....

Emo in a park, breathing fall in the UK....

I am sorry...

I have caused you much hurt and pain, taken you on many roller coaster rides... I am sorry. I have said sorry so many times it doesn't mean anything anymore. But I really am. You have been the greatest and mean more to me than many other things in life. I have made a mistake. A mistake I cannot undo. Losing you is like losing an arm or a leg. But I made the decision to do so. For that, I hope the only good I have done is rid you off a burden, that is me. Only two people I know in my entire life know me, the real me. And you are one of them. You understand me like nobody else ever can. I look to you in times of trouble and misery, you never turned me away. I, on the other hand have gone missing in action when you needed me most. Words cannot express how sorry I really really feel. You were there, and I wasn't. I will always love you, for that I am sure. There are not many things in life I am sure about, but for that I know will be true. I know not what to do to make things right, nothing will make anything right. Not now, not for a long time. Thank you for being patient with me, I know I have not been easy to bear. You have been the greatest and will always be...truly...