Rag Doll

Weird houses I drew over the last couple of years...

Built with a special circuit...

Someone told me I am special. He said that my circuit works different from most other people in the world. And I wonder, why me? And because my circuit is built different from most other people in the world, it is sometimes difficult for me to see things the way other people do, and other people to understand why I do what I do. Hence, life is a constant struggle. A continuous contradiction between me and myself, and a tug of war with the people who are closest to me. As for the people I don't know very well, I could throw myself into fire before I realise it is hot, or finishing an entire cake before I remember it is not mine. Then comes the thinking. The sort of thinking I cannot imagine anyone else could have. (That is why I am special.) The sort of thinking that goes into the deepest detail and soul questioning that goes on and on and on that I cannot go to sleep at night because my brain will not stop working. My brain tries to figure out lots of things that most probably do not have an answer, yet it persists and insists on figuring them all out. Thereafter, when I get really tired of thinking, fatigue takes over and I fall asleep. But my brain continues ticking and working so I have the most vivid dreams, and at the slightest sound or movement I get startled and woken up. Panic and anxiety hits. I can't remember where I stopped thinking, and why I stopped and I know that I haven't figured it out, and I need to carry on thinking. Of course, there really isn't a need to all the time. But worry overcomes me and I am unable to focus on anything I am doing. My hands tremble so badly I have to hide them when I am in public. So the someone tells me, it will be okay. That once I figure out how my circuit does not work with the rest of the world, I will gradually, ever so slowly change. And maybe one day my circuit will work like everyone else. Perhaps then it is easier to be happy. Perhaps then it is easier to make decisions. Perhaps then everything wouldn't feel so acute. But I am special. Perhaps I was built special for a reason. A reason I cannot comprehend but I am thankful for. For perhaps if I was built like everyone else, I wouldn't be able to explain to you about my special circuit. And my life would not be full of peaks and dips. Everything happens for a reason. I am not complaining about me. But I hope I am not being too much of a pain to everyone around me.

Sin and Leong Lik's Fantastic Wedding

The main reason I was back in Malaysia was to attend Sin's wedding. I must say, it is really a most unique wedding. Not one bit of it was boring like other weddings are. No offence to other married couples. But weddings can be a drag. Sin made sure just about everything was customised, so it wasn't like anybody else. And that little customization she did for the invitation cards, the menu, the wedding favors, wedding band, photos and videos, wedding car, wedding dress and shoes... well, I wouldn't call it little any more. Everything has a brilliant personal touch. I don't know how she did it, but she did it! Or should I say, Mr. and Mrs Wong did it! It was simply magnificent and words fail me to describe how wonderful it all was. Anyway, there will be lots of pictures posted on Facebook pretty soon by her many, many photographers. The ones that are already on Facebook, I have been looking at them over and over all day and still not tired of them yet.

It was also a great chance to meet up with all the Convent girls. The noisy group which includes Jennifer (the one with the shrill voice), Adeline (who helped plan the awesome wedding), Cute Jiun (looking more and more Korean), Bunny Teah(who gets bullied all the time), Lim Fong (beautiful and sexy) and Cindy (the one who provides medical advice, though it's always wise to get a second opinion). Then all the others whom I haven't met for agessssssss - Selvarasi (from Convent primary school and getting married soon!!), Janet, Joyce, Ee Ling, Siew Wei, Blenggg. So not only it was a day for the newly wed, it was also our little gathering day for all the girls.
Ex-housemate from KJ house - Tong Cruise! I didn't get to speak much to him, but hey...everyone's there! From High School Muar - Jia Liang, from St Andrew's - James Koh, from MFX - Zoule (the video guy). It was just so so good to have loads of people you know at the same time and same place.

The "ji muis" had a swell time torturing the "heng tais" in the morning. We didn't manage to finish the list of torture we had planned though, mainly because the guys were too slow in action and the bride had to leave before 9 a.m! We had them do push ups, eat apples no hands off Likky's chest area, eat bananas from between his legs, pass hard boiled egg through their trousers, kiss each other with a thin layer of seaweed between their lips and what I looked forward to the most - tear wax strips off their hairy legs. Michael did a good one. I saw a bald square surrounded by hairy bits where he tore his strip off. Woot woot!! Then Leong Lik sang his heart out for Sin Yee through the door. It was all so romantic.....

There's always a first time for everything. Sin had asked me to be MC for the reception. Lionel was my partner. Heh. I thought I would be more nervous, but it was not too bad after some preparation with Lionel the day before and Teah's help with the translation of the toasts to Chinese proverbs that should bring the couple and all the guests good fortune etc. Alban and Jiun helped in screaming on stage for the toasts. Alban did his melodious "Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum......................" and Jiun helped with my Chinese script. It was great fun. I hope I didn't spoil the event too much anyway:)

Then there was ballroom dancing. Pheeweeet, Sin first danced with her dad, and Likky with his mum, then other people started joining in. We had a crash course from Jasraj and Tiffany on the morning of the big day. Still everyone was looking at their feet on the dance floor:)I only knew like 3 steps to repeat throughout the entire song. And the band was planning 4 songs for the dance. I had a go with Andy, but not for long...lolz. We only danced like 3/4 of a song:P

It was also the first time I went with the newly weds to go "YUM SENG" from table to table. I had my glass refilled more than Sin or Likky did. Also, the secret is - Ribena!!! I didn't know that before! I had a sip and almost spit it out! So the waiter holds two bottles in his hands - One red wine bottle with actual red wine, and the other is Ribena. I'd say go for the alcohol definitely:)

After the wedding reception, Cute Jiun carried on with the next agenda. Karaoke in Red Box Mid Valley. There were 15 of us I think. I was pretty smashed by then, my voice almost gone from screaming YUM SENG the entire night and my heels were killing me. Cindy got me her hotel bedroom slippers and I looked a total wreck. Karaoke Queen - Kem Kem was singing already even before I got there. I could hear her when I called Alban. Damn semangat. Alban ordered 2 bottles of whisky, and Lim Fong won a third in a lucky draw! We only shared one between 5-6 of us. Because I had already lost my voice, I only did the screaming songs. At the end of the session, I literally looked like a ghost - with my eyeliners smudged, hair down and dragging my feet around in bedroom slippers.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Wong LL and may the two of you live happily ever after! Multiply soon and give us ang pows during Chinese New Year. Actually anytime in the year you feel like giving angpows, I'm sure we'll gladly accept.

YOU GUYS ROCK!!

My new babies...

I'm so proud of them, grew them from seeds and seedlings. The courgettes were grown indoors and just been put out this morning. There's also bay and rosemary grown straight in the garden. More to come, tomatoes and peppers! :D

Courgette, chives and coriander

Courgette and mint (we can make homemade mojito)

Courgette and fennel

Spinach, beetroot and mixed salad leaves (very soon, I can harvest this and make salad!)

BIG sunflowers! Not so big yet:)

Patatas!! Um, not sure how to harvest them yet. But they've grown so much!

Lastly, my lovely flowers - Geraniums of 3 different colours, blooming soon!

Beautiful Uncertainty...

It's been a long time. The dirty linen is well kept indeed. And so it shall be for as long as it should be, and can be. Spring is here. Days are longer. Longer than it is in Malaysia. The sun rises at half five in the morning and sets at eight. There are bright, beautiful flowers everywhere. And so I start anew. To let all the darkness out from the open windows and let the sun shine in.

The past will always be there. The future is yet to be known. That is why uncertainty is beautiful. Sometimes life gets difficult and we lose hope and give up, but to know that there are friends who are always around, a roof over our heads, a bed to sleep in at night... is more than enough for us to be thankful everyday.

I lost my iPhone last Saturday night. I had it in my pocket when I went out as I always do. When I got home, it wasn't there anymore. It didn't make sense. And I lost hope, fairly certainly, fairly quickly, that I will not ever see my phone again. I felt disappointed in myself. Why was I not more careful etc. Morning came, I called everyone I could to find out where I could have left it. No one had seen it. No one had handed in my phone. All my work contacts and appointments were in there. I would have been more devastated before, but I wasn't. Maybe it isn't the best thing though. It was as if I have tried my best, and it just isn't going to get my phone back. I was being punished for being careless. I just gave up, and told myself no need to cry over spilt milk. Being sensible, I barred my number after 24 hours and no one had called to return it. I went to the homes of my work contacts to leave them notes, with my house phone number.

Monday morning, they all called me to tell me how sorry they were for my loss. Ah well, they were all very nice. I told them I'd be going to town to get a replacement SIM card and phone. Two minutes before I left the house, the house phone rang.

A little blackbird named Paul had called. Paul and his 13 year old daughter had found my phone on bright and early Sunday morning. They said my phone was just lying on the curb, plain for everyone to see, and yet no one picked it up. They waited 15 whole minutes to see if anyone came running back to get it. I was at home calling all the wrong people. They took it into the cinema (it was lying right outside it) and they were told no one reported the loss. They took it home, the battery had died. Paul didn't know how to use the phone. His son's friend came around and said he had the right charger. They plugged my phone in, and Voila! My phone is on the way home. Paul delivered my phone right to my doorstep. He insisted he was out and it was on the way to wherever he was going.

I was excited beyond words. I was touched, and amazed at humankind. In times like this, in year 2009, if someone had picked an iPhone up, how often is it returned? And delivered to the door? There is hope, there is faith. The faith in the Lord God Almighty. I did promise Him something if the phone was returned, but the promise was made without faith. And now, the promise needs to be kept. :D It is a silly promise, but if God was trying to say something, it has been said loud and clear.

It really isn't easy sometimes, but when it is possible... I am thankful for everything I have and not have in my life. I am who I am and how I am because of everything that had happened, good or bad. My family will always be my family and I appreciate them all, but I must be truly lucky to also have the greatest friends that are like my family, AND to have my iPhone returned.

Uh oh... did I do something wrong again?

It is the sort of time in my life when I recall from my life lots and lots of things. Big things, small things. Good things, bad things. There is one thing though, that has been playing on and on in my head the entire week. Something my mum had taught me since I was young. "Never wash your dirty linen in public". And I suppose blogging is public. That is sort of why I have not blogged for a while.

Because I couldn't quite determine, which parts of my life are considered dirty linen and which aren't? To my parents, certain things should never be said out loud. Certain things should always be discussed only behind closed doors. But doesn't all these hush hush just accumulate and the room gets full and the doors just burst open? Sometimes I just feel it is too much. So much that I really want to tell. But I can't help remembering what I was taught. And so I hold back, A LOT.

The confusing part is, how do I know which things are approved and which are not? Am I not adult enough to make my own decisions? Am I not old enough to fall and be brave, get up and walk again by myself? Do I still need approvals and validations? Because everytime I make decisions, something goes wrong. Sometimes, very very wrong. Well, sometimes they are pretty good. But let's just admit it. People only remember the wrong ones. Hardly ever, the opposite. Which then goes to prove, I need approvals and validations all the time. Geez, if this goes on forever, I will be needy and dependent forever. So I think it's about time to stop. Although I don't think I really know how to. But it is definitely HIGH time to start learning now.

Some people just smile and laugh all the time. No problems are too big. Everything is okay or will be okay. How do they do that? Are they really happy, or is that just a put on mask for the rest of the world to see? If these are really happy people then wow, I do wish I was like them. But if they are just extremely great pretenders, then I do feel very sad for them. I think it is worse for them. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we should dig deeper into our holes and bury ourselves deeper into misery all the time. I am not saying, FEED DEPRESSION, GET BIPOLAR. I'm just saying, STOP PRETENDING. I really think it is freaking okay to be not okay sometimes.

I think I am just really tired. Tired of bottling. Pretending. Proving. Justifying.
Pretending I am okay, so that people don't see me as "needy", proving to my family that I can survive, justifying my actions to just about everyone in the world. Writing about my bicycle and Biscuit was kinda okay, but it hardly touched the surface of my life.

But people in general like to know happy things, not unhappy things. I get that. I understand. Because I don't really like reading the papers or watching the news, cos it is almost bad news all the time. Perhaps this blog will make many people cross and undignified. But I am really tired of being a hypocrite. I would like to be who I am, the imperfect me. I would like to express how I feel and say what I feel like saying, and share what I feel like sharing, without being judged.