Uh oh... did I do something wrong again?
It is the sort of time in my life when I recall from my life lots and lots of things. Big things, small things. Good things, bad things. There is one thing though, that has been playing on and on in my head the entire week. Something my mum had taught me since I was young. "Never wash your dirty linen in public". And I suppose blogging is public. That is sort of why I have not blogged for a while.
Because I couldn't quite determine, which parts of my life are considered dirty linen and which aren't? To my parents, certain things should never be said out loud. Certain things should always be discussed only behind closed doors. But doesn't all these hush hush just accumulate and the room gets full and the doors just burst open? Sometimes I just feel it is too much. So much that I really want to tell. But I can't help remembering what I was taught. And so I hold back, A LOT.
The confusing part is, how do I know which things are approved and which are not? Am I not adult enough to make my own decisions? Am I not old enough to fall and be brave, get up and walk again by myself? Do I still need approvals and validations? Because everytime I make decisions, something goes wrong. Sometimes, very very wrong. Well, sometimes they are pretty good. But let's just admit it. People only remember the wrong ones. Hardly ever, the opposite. Which then goes to prove, I need approvals and validations all the time. Geez, if this goes on forever, I will be needy and dependent forever. So I think it's about time to stop. Although I don't think I really know how to. But it is definitely HIGH time to start learning now.
Some people just smile and laugh all the time. No problems are too big. Everything is okay or will be okay. How do they do that? Are they really happy, or is that just a put on mask for the rest of the world to see? If these are really happy people then wow, I do wish I was like them. But if they are just extremely great pretenders, then I do feel very sad for them. I think it is worse for them. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we should dig deeper into our holes and bury ourselves deeper into misery all the time. I am not saying, FEED DEPRESSION, GET BIPOLAR. I'm just saying, STOP PRETENDING. I really think it is freaking okay to be not okay sometimes.
I think I am just really tired. Tired of bottling. Pretending. Proving. Justifying.
Pretending I am okay, so that people don't see me as "needy", proving to my family that I can survive, justifying my actions to just about everyone in the world. Writing about my bicycle and Biscuit was kinda okay, but it hardly touched the surface of my life.
But people in general like to know happy things, not unhappy things. I get that. I understand. Because I don't really like reading the papers or watching the news, cos it is almost bad news all the time. Perhaps this blog will make many people cross and undignified. But I am really tired of being a hypocrite. I would like to be who I am, the imperfect me. I would like to express how I feel and say what I feel like saying, and share what I feel like sharing, without being judged.
Because I couldn't quite determine, which parts of my life are considered dirty linen and which aren't? To my parents, certain things should never be said out loud. Certain things should always be discussed only behind closed doors. But doesn't all these hush hush just accumulate and the room gets full and the doors just burst open? Sometimes I just feel it is too much. So much that I really want to tell. But I can't help remembering what I was taught. And so I hold back, A LOT.
The confusing part is, how do I know which things are approved and which are not? Am I not adult enough to make my own decisions? Am I not old enough to fall and be brave, get up and walk again by myself? Do I still need approvals and validations? Because everytime I make decisions, something goes wrong. Sometimes, very very wrong. Well, sometimes they are pretty good. But let's just admit it. People only remember the wrong ones. Hardly ever, the opposite. Which then goes to prove, I need approvals and validations all the time. Geez, if this goes on forever, I will be needy and dependent forever. So I think it's about time to stop. Although I don't think I really know how to. But it is definitely HIGH time to start learning now.
Some people just smile and laugh all the time. No problems are too big. Everything is okay or will be okay. How do they do that? Are they really happy, or is that just a put on mask for the rest of the world to see? If these are really happy people then wow, I do wish I was like them. But if they are just extremely great pretenders, then I do feel very sad for them. I think it is worse for them. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we should dig deeper into our holes and bury ourselves deeper into misery all the time. I am not saying, FEED DEPRESSION, GET BIPOLAR. I'm just saying, STOP PRETENDING. I really think it is freaking okay to be not okay sometimes.
I think I am just really tired. Tired of bottling. Pretending. Proving. Justifying.
Pretending I am okay, so that people don't see me as "needy", proving to my family that I can survive, justifying my actions to just about everyone in the world. Writing about my bicycle and Biscuit was kinda okay, but it hardly touched the surface of my life.
But people in general like to know happy things, not unhappy things. I get that. I understand. Because I don't really like reading the papers or watching the news, cos it is almost bad news all the time. Perhaps this blog will make many people cross and undignified. But I am really tired of being a hypocrite. I would like to be who I am, the imperfect me. I would like to express how I feel and say what I feel like saying, and share what I feel like sharing, without being judged.
2 Comments:
hey.. nice to see you get angry for a change :) meaning you can now stand up and say NO NO NO... and be yourself... not that you don't before this... perhaps you just need more reassurance and affirmation that your actions are "correct"... n YES i totally understand about the washing dirty linen in public... when is the linen categorized as dirty?
of course it is best to be true to your feelings. but nowadays masks have become a way of life. what's wrong with our faces? be it sad or happy, gay or straight, it's god's creation and we should be never be ashamed of it - thus we should never wear masks.
the problem with us being unhappy abt being true vs living a life in masks is that we care about what ppl see in us. for some of us, maybe too much. but then again, why do we care?
ppl have opinions that we do not agree with, they may give comments uninvited, some criticize so much as if humans shall never sin, some blatantly condemn their fellow men. but then again, god gives us all free will - we can never change what others feel or think abt us. so why do we care?
perhaps all we truly care about was OURSELVES - about acceptance, love, company, etc. and we become so caught up, so overwhelmed about ME, MYSELF and I that we begin to be bitter. when we care too much of these, we lose track of our existence and purpose to worldly standards of life.
jas, seek not the empty promises of this world, but eternal happiness in the kingdom of god. don't lose hope, even when u lost your way.
on another note, remember that the lord never make us shoulder more than we can take. trust in him.
having said that, u may think that i'm cultivating a halo over my head. haha. fact is, i'm struggling too, like many of us here. we're just trying to be better persons. so u're not alone.
gambate!!
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