Uh oh... did I do something wrong again?

It is the sort of time in my life when I recall from my life lots and lots of things. Big things, small things. Good things, bad things. There is one thing though, that has been playing on and on in my head the entire week. Something my mum had taught me since I was young. "Never wash your dirty linen in public". And I suppose blogging is public. That is sort of why I have not blogged for a while.

Because I couldn't quite determine, which parts of my life are considered dirty linen and which aren't? To my parents, certain things should never be said out loud. Certain things should always be discussed only behind closed doors. But doesn't all these hush hush just accumulate and the room gets full and the doors just burst open? Sometimes I just feel it is too much. So much that I really want to tell. But I can't help remembering what I was taught. And so I hold back, A LOT.

The confusing part is, how do I know which things are approved and which are not? Am I not adult enough to make my own decisions? Am I not old enough to fall and be brave, get up and walk again by myself? Do I still need approvals and validations? Because everytime I make decisions, something goes wrong. Sometimes, very very wrong. Well, sometimes they are pretty good. But let's just admit it. People only remember the wrong ones. Hardly ever, the opposite. Which then goes to prove, I need approvals and validations all the time. Geez, if this goes on forever, I will be needy and dependent forever. So I think it's about time to stop. Although I don't think I really know how to. But it is definitely HIGH time to start learning now.

Some people just smile and laugh all the time. No problems are too big. Everything is okay or will be okay. How do they do that? Are they really happy, or is that just a put on mask for the rest of the world to see? If these are really happy people then wow, I do wish I was like them. But if they are just extremely great pretenders, then I do feel very sad for them. I think it is worse for them. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying we should dig deeper into our holes and bury ourselves deeper into misery all the time. I am not saying, FEED DEPRESSION, GET BIPOLAR. I'm just saying, STOP PRETENDING. I really think it is freaking okay to be not okay sometimes.

I think I am just really tired. Tired of bottling. Pretending. Proving. Justifying.
Pretending I am okay, so that people don't see me as "needy", proving to my family that I can survive, justifying my actions to just about everyone in the world. Writing about my bicycle and Biscuit was kinda okay, but it hardly touched the surface of my life.

But people in general like to know happy things, not unhappy things. I get that. I understand. Because I don't really like reading the papers or watching the news, cos it is almost bad news all the time. Perhaps this blog will make many people cross and undignified. But I am really tired of being a hypocrite. I would like to be who I am, the imperfect me. I would like to express how I feel and say what I feel like saying, and share what I feel like sharing, without being judged.

Do you know what is "Onomatopoeia?"

I didn't before, so it's sort of my new word, and I think it is a rather interesting word. So I am going to share this brilliant new word with you guys:)

Onomatopoeia is the forming and use of words and phrases to imitate or suggest the sounds they describe, such as bang, whisper, cuckoo, splash and fizz. Onomatopoeia is one of the resources of language more often used by poets than prose writers; this is because poetry is made for the ear as well as the eye, and depends more heavily than prose does on sound-effects.

And here is a famous and awesome poem that uses lots of onomatopoeia and it's nice:)

On the Ning Nang Nong

On the Ning Nang Nong
Where the Cows go Bong!
and the monkeys all say BOO!
There's a Nong Nang Ning
Where the trees go Ping!
And the tea pots jibber jabber joo.
On the Nong Ning Nang
All the mice go Clang
And you just can't catch 'em when they do!
So its Ning Nang Nong
Cows go Bong!
Nong Nang Ning
Trees go ping
Nong Ning Nang
The mice go Clang
What a noisy place to belong
is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!!

Spike Milligan

Isn't it brilliant? Onomatopoeia...onomatopoeia...onomatopoeia...

Biscuit

I was really afraid of dogs before. But I think Sin and Schatzie cured me since. I still hate cats though. (Cat lovers, don't hate me, I really am scared of cats... can't help it) Biscuit is really funny, sometimes quite a pest when he barks a lot and wants lots of attention. But I think I really like him. Makes me miss Schatzie too. Got to take this little one for walkies to school and back everyday. But it is a little new highlight to my days.

Emptiness

My head throbs in pain, I close my eyes and put my face in my hands

My heart is wound tightly and cruelly as fear grips me

Emptiness

So hollow it feels I have been stabbed through my heart and the hole would not close, I am bleeding so quickly I am dying

I can barely feel myself

I can barely grasp on reality

Yet reality hits me so hard like hailstones in my face

I close my eyes and I feel more pain

I squeeze my eyes tighter in hope the pain would go

I try to focus on my breathing

The anguish and anxiety does not disappear

I clutch at my heart with my hands holding my rosary

Come on you can do it

What for, really? What for?

I don’t know what for, but you just need to

But I don’t see the need to, it’s all pointless. Everything is, pointless.

Clawing through, screaming through my own muffles

My sobbing continues on and on

I know I am but a little speck of sand in the world, in the universe

My troubles are small and irrelevant

I am overwhelmed by it all, because of myself

Awareness is something I did not appreciate at the moment

Ignorance is bliss, yet I struggle to find the truth everyday, every moment of every day in every little thing

I fight for a life of my own, a purpose to wake up to

I cannot speak, but I cry

Hours and hours of tears that leaves me shaking and trembling

I hold out my hand to nothingness

No, I hold out my hand to God

God that will lead me…hopefully one day I can see… where